Understanding Your Grief
How Can I Cope With Grief?
There is no one way to cope with grief, and it can vary significantly from person to person. Counseling can help most people work through the normal but often very painful process of grieving a loved one. My name is Jennifer De Francisco, LCSW and I help those suffering from grief and loss as a Grief Counselor.
Grief Is Not Experienced in ‘Five Stages’
Denial
Although there are negative connotations associated with the word “denial”, denial is a normal and often necessary part of the grieving process. Usually, the loss does not feel real, and the grieving party cannot even feel the pain of the loss at this point. What comes up is feeling numb, and that the loss cannot possibly be real. They are focused on getting things done-the funeral, the arrangements, and other details. Again, this is often a natural part of the process and the shock of losing someone may cause a person not to feel the loss immediately.
Anger
This stage involves intense feelings of resentment, anger, or rage revolving around the loss. This anger is often direct at those associated with the loss, such as doctors, mental health professionals, friends, or family and their part to play either in the grieving process, the life of the loved one, or in the loss itself. There is often an intense and unquenching need to understand why things happened and who is to blame. It is not uncommon to be intensely angry with the deceased for dying. There can also be an intense feeling of abandonment by the loved one, and anger for being left.
Bargaining
Bargaining involves the “how” of moving on, but the grieving is not yet ready to begin that process. This is often a very depressing and helpless feeling as the grieving is not yet ready to move on, but is contemplating what their life will look like without the loved one. Such questions of “how” including how they will continue to live without the loved one, what their life will look like, and who will be in that future life.
Depression
The grieving temporarily loses hope and connection from all things that they love and have connection to. They realize that they themselves are going to die, and that there is a certainty to death. Preoccupation with death during the phase is common, as well as feelings such as, “what is the point?” or “why bother?” As with all other stages of grief, this stage cannot be rushed by the grieving or by others, even if their thoughts and preoccupations seem bleak.
Acceptance
Since people are forever altered and changed by loss, they do not “get over” a death of a loved one. They are forever changed by it and the experience is transformative. In fact, death and loss may never be entirely accepted or intellectually understood. But in Acceptance, there is a feeling of being, however tentatively, able to “move on” or “feel closure”. Acceptance can be tentative and fleeting; fresh trauma or stressors can recapitulate the grieving back to any other stage in the grieving process.
So, what does empirical research actually tell us about grief, if they are not resolved in five stages?
Contemporary research has identified three broad trajectories that describe how people typically experience grief:
- Resilience – This is the most common path. These individuals can function relatively well soon after the loss. They continue to meet life’s demands and begin feeling better within a matter of weeks even if they were unable to function right after the loss.
- Recovery – This pathway involves more intense and prolonged emotional pain, often lasting several months. However, those in this category gradually begin to heal, with notable improvement within one to two years.
- Complicated Grief – Approximately 10% of grieving individuals develop what is now referred to as Complicated Grief (or Prolonged Grief Disorder). This is a chronic and debilitating response characterized by intense emotional pain that does not ease over time. The bereaved person may become consumed by persistent thoughts of the deceased, unable to resume normal life. They may feel fundamentally altered by the loss and resist attempts to “move on,” fearing it would be a betrayal of the person who died. This form of grief is especially likely after sudden or traumatic deaths, as opposed to deaths that are anticipated after a prolonged illness.
Absolutely. That feeling of unreality or disbelief, even when your intellect knows the truth, is a very common manifestation of denial, It’s your mind’s way of slowly allowing the overwhelming reality of the loss to seep in, rather than being completely crushed by it all at once. In therapy, we can gently explore these feelings and help you process the shock in a way that feels safe and manageable.
It’s incredibly common to expect things to be like they were before a loss, even when you know they can’t be. This isn’t unusual; it’s a deep-seated part of denial. Your brain and body have been accustomed to a certain reality, a routine, or the presence of a loved one. When that changes profoundly, your system needs time to catch up. Therapy can help you gently acknowledge these instincts and gradually integrate the new reality, honoring the past while moving forward.
Yes, anger directed at oneself, often manifesting as guilt or regret, is an incredibly common and painful aspect of grief. You might be replaying moments, wishing you had said or done something differently. In therapy, we can explore the source of this self-directed anger, challenge unhelpful guilt, and help you develop self-compassion to process these difficult emotions without added burden.
It’s common for others to feel uncomfortable with intense grief emotions like anger and suggest you ‘let go’, but anger often serves a purpose in grief. It can be a raw expression of love, pain, and the violation of what feels unfair. You might not be able to ‘let go’ because it’s protecting you from deeper pain or because it feels like a last link to your loved one. In our sessions, we won’t tell you to let go, but rather explore what that anger means for you and find healthier ways to process and integrate it.
This constant loop of ‘if only’ thoughts is a classic sign of bargaining, where your mind tries to rewrite history to prevent the loss. It’s a way to feel some semblance of control over an uncontrollable event. While you can’t truly ‘stop’ the thoughts instantly, in therapy, we can help you recognize them, challenge the underlying guilt or perceived responsibility, and gently redirect your focus to the present and the process of healing. This helps lessen their grip over time.
A significant loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed, often called anhedonia, is a common symptom in both grief and clinical depression. In grief, it can be a temporary response to profound sadness and the world feeling less vibrant. However, if this lack of interest is severe, pervasive, and accompanied by other symptoms like prolonged fatigue, changes in sleep or appetite, or feelings of worthlessness for an extended period, it’s crucial to evaluate if it’s veering into clinical depression. Therapy can help assess this and ensure you receive the appropriate support.
Feeling profoundly low, lacking energy, and wanting to withdraw are very common experiences when grief turns to a more depressive state. Even when it feels difficult, therapy can be incredibly beneficial. It starts exactly where you are. Sessions can provide a much-needed outlet for these heavy feelings, help you understand that these reactions are normal in grief, and together you can gently explore small, manageable steps toward re-engaging with life, establishing self-care routines, and finding glimmers of meaning, even amidst the sadness. The goal is not to force you to ‘snap out of it,’ but to gradually find a path forward.
Finding a “new normal” is a core aspect of acceptance, and it’s a process of gradually adjusting to life without your loved one’s physical presence. It involves redefining your routines, roles, and even your identity. In therapy, you can explore ways to honor their memory while also building a fulfilling life for yourself. This might include developing new interests, nurturing existing relationships, or finding new ways to connect with their legacy. It’s about recognizing that while your life is irrevocably changed, it can still hold meaning and purpose.
Reaching acceptance does not mean you will stop missing the person you lost, nor does it mean you won’t experience moments of sadness or yearning. What it does mean is that the acute pain may lessen, and you’ll find renewed capacity for joy and connection in your life. You learn to live with the missing piece, allowing it to become a part of your story, rather than an overwhelming burden. You absolutely can feel happiness again, and often, the love you shared can become a source of strength and continued connection.
There is no truer axiom than there is no one way to grieve, but healthy and pathological grieving can be differentiated and understood. Over time, most people start feeling better with time and have the capacity to work and love others, even if there are punctuated moments of terrible longing and suffering. Most people can also put their loss into a narrative form: this is what happened, this is who I was, this is the person who died and what they meant to me, and this is who I am now. Those with Complicated Grief cannot do this, and in some ways are stuck acutely grieving.
One does not have to suffer from Complicated Grief to benefit from therapy during this difficult period. Verbalizing the loss with a therapist that is empathetic toward those suffering from loss and comfortable with the therapeutic work involved in grieving can be immensely beneficial during this often painful experience.
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